Now that we know Donald Trump was cosplaying a doctor and not the son of God on his recently posted AI-generated image, we can more readily accept his astute medical recommendations.

From the stable genius who robustly recommended Clorox to cure COVID, he has now determined a cure for cancer.

Diet Coke.

According to Dr. Oz, another medical wiz-kid, Trump argued that diet soda is good for him because it kills grass if poured on grass and therefore it kills cancer cells inside the body.

No wonder his administration has cut funding for cancer research. The answer is right there at your supermarket soft drink aisle, all along.

In Dr. Donald’s ER, it’s Diet Coke STAT!

But no grass-killing diet soda allowed on this avid golfer’s gorgeous green fairways.

We all know a luxuriant course is the number one priority for Trump.

Lucky for him, he can keep those links lush and verdant courtesy of forever pesticides. Yes, Dr. Donnie throws carcinogenic caution to the wind thanks to the EPA approval of toxic PFAS. Short for Per and Polyfluoroalkyl, they are colloquially known as “forever chemicals” because that pretty much describes how long they last in the environment.

PFAS, the synthetic “forever chemicals” used since the 1940s, are known for not breaking down in the environment. They contaminate water and soil, leading to human exposure linked to cancer.

The only hazard Trump is worried about is the water hazards on the golf course.

And not to worry, after 18 holes of golf, a round of Diet Cokes at the Clubhouse will knock out any pesky cancer that might have snuck in.